News of the Future

Some stories from the not-too-distant future: 

Obama Unveils a Stiff(y)

WASHINGTON, DC – In an election-eve address from the Oval Office, President Obama shocked the nation by revealing that the bullet-ridden corpse of Osama bin Laden wasn’t dumped into the ocean after all. And then he fucked it.

<!– @page { margin: 0.79in } P { margin-bottom: 0.08in }

Apple Releases Something

CUPERTINO, CA — Computer giant Apple Inc. (NASDAQ: AAPL) revealed an electronic device that is as sexy as it is pricey – and includes one new killer, must-have feature: the power to assuage liberal guilt. Indeed, when started for the first time, the device asks users to sign a Change.org petition decrying every aspect of the way it was built and sold.

The device, the iSomething, is expected to hit store shelves later this year and retail for $329, a remarkably affordable asking price considering the irreparable emotional and physical damage inflicted upon the poor Chinaman who built it.

Liberals Blame Nader

EVERYWHERE, SIGH — In comments posted on Internet message boards, liberals placed blame for the Democrats’ loss of the White House / win of the White House but loss of the Senate / win of the White House and both Houses of Congress but no filibuster-proof majority / win of the White House and both Houses of Congress including a filibuster-proof majority but fuckin’ a man still nothing changes, on long-time consumer rights activist Ralph Nader.

“Boo!” wrote one user, “Markos Moulitsas,” in a post accompanied by a .gif of jangling keys.

Advertisements

About Charles Davis

A writer and producer with whose work has aired on television and radio and been published by outlets such as Al Jazeera, The Intercept, The Nation and The New Republic.
This entry was posted in Barack Obama, News of the Future, Osama bin Laden, Ralph Nader. Bookmark the permalink.

One Response to News of the Future

  1. Todd S. says:

    Necrophilia is clearly the lesser evil when compared to a state of the union address. Of course, were it not for Nader's iPad screwing up, Barry'd have had some porn he coulda used instead of the real thing.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s