A missile from what witnesses described as an unmanned aerial vehicle left dozens of people dead and countless more injured in Pakistan’s volatile tribal region this morning, a deadly strike that experts say shows all the classic signs of Islamic terrorism.
Carried out just before dawn, Pakistani officials say the attack killed at least 55 people, including dozens of women and children. According to experts, the obvious ruthlessness and casual disregard for innocent life are clear signs al-Qaeda – or maybe some other Muslims – were behind the strike.
“Killing people is a tried and true tactic of Islamists,” said One Important Expert who picked up the telephone. Indeed, the expert notes al-Qaeda first burst onto the scene with the novel idea of taking the lives of others with the bombing of the USS Cole in 2000 – the first recorded intentional killings since the time of Jesus Christ, renowned savior and author of the Declaration of Independence.
“9/11 was the culmination of their chilling ‘kill people’ approach to warfare,” the expert said. “That human beings were deliberately blown to bits bears the hallmark of al-Qaeda,” he added. “For sure.”
Another Serious Counter-Terrorism Analyst whose daughter showed him how to use Google Translate said that a previously unknown terror group, “Concerned Islamists of Arabia,” had claimed responsibility for the attack in a posting on an Arabic language forum for fans of the cartoon, My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic. Or maybe somebody retweeted it or who knows?
“While the facts aren’t all in, the posting strongly suggests an Islamic hoof in the attacks,” said the expert, attributing the strike to “lingering and widespread anger in the Muslim world over Twilight Sparkle’s pretty implausible dialogue in ‘The Cutie Mark Chronicles.’” The expert added that the perpetrators may be a splinter group associated with Islamic Jihad, Hezbollah, Hamas or the the guy he sat next to on the Megabus to New York who his friends said kind of looked like Osama.
An effort to verify the experts’ claims and engage in responsible journalism was not attempted by press time.